My life was completely upended a couple of weeks ago. The day before spring break, my university announced that classes would be moved online and that all students had to move off campus. That same evening, I packed up my dorm room and said goodbye to the college experience for good.
I’m graduating in May. This means I won’t get to see some of my friends for a really long time (most are scattered across the country). This means I won’t get to have a proper graduation and I won’t get to do all the things I planned for the last two months of college.
I never planned on moving back home since I left for boarding academy almost six years ago. And yet, here I am. Back home.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer or complain. I consider myself fortunate. My family is safe, my job allows me to work remotely, and I’m not in the danger zone for the Coronavirus. Many people are in dire situations right now, losing their jobs or in fear for their lives.
But that being said, it has been a difficult adjustment moving back home and living with my parents and brothers again. My family doesn’t know I have an eating disorder (except my mom—but we never talk about it) which makes it hard to politely ask them to avoid triggering comments.
My mom doesn’t eat a lot of food and often talks about eating “too much” or complains about eating “bad” or “unhealthy” foods. Almost every day she declares that we will only be having “two meals today.” Of course I can make food later in the evening for a third meal (and I often do), but her comments are painful and confusing nonetheless. It is such a struggle for me to eat balanced meals throughout the day, and hearing that we should only eat twice only reinforces my disordered thoughts.
Additionally, the stress of being home has caused me to pursue old habits. I am obsessing over the food I eat and it has gotten so bad it’s difficult for me to even eat with my family or eat food that I haven’t prepared myself. With easy access to my parent’s scale, I am falling back into the habit of daily weigh-ins (a habit I had given up a while ago). With all the uncertainty surrounding me, I am using my eating disorder to comfort me and to regain some semblance of control.
To make matters worse, the Eating Disorder Anonymous meetings I had been attending were cancelled due to the virus, as well as my in-person therapy sessions. Depression is sneaking up on me, and no matter how hard I try to have a positive attitude, I sometimes feel like it is a losing battle.
This post is just an honest reflection of how I’m feeling right now. While I try to stay as positive as I can on this blog, sometimes the reality is that life with an eating disorder is dark. Sometimes I feel like I’ve taken strides to overcome my eating disorder, only to be violently reminded that the recovery process is long and painful. I am still trying to keep up hope that there is light on the other side of my disorder, but it’s hard to picture right now.
I hope everyone is staying safe and well. We’re all in this together <3
Also, here are a few encouraging posts (unlike this one)…