I want to recover from my eating disorder! No I don’t. Yes I do. No I don’t. Oh bother…
Is it just me, or does your motivation change every day (and sometimes multiple times each day)?
Sometimes I get so sick of living with my ED, I make the commitment: I am going to get better. I want to recover. Then the very next day when faced with breakfast, my motivation disappears. I’ll just have a cup of coffee…I don’t need to eat right now.
Then, three hours later when I’m hungry, irritable and miserable, I think, This is ridiculous. I want to get better…
So maybe I eat lunch or dinner, but after I eat I feel miserable again. I hate the feeling of being full. I feel disgusting. I’m going to gain back all the weight I’ve lost.
It’s an endless mental battle. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. Sometimes I don’t eat, sometimes I binge, sometimes I eat like a normal person.
The Reality of Motivation
But isn’t this the reality of eating disorders? Our motivation for recovery won’t always be there. Sometimes we won’t feel like arguing with our ED. Often we’ll curl up into a ball and refuse to go on. But then we pick ourselves back up and promise to try again. And then we’ll fail. But then we pick ourselves back up.
Eventually (so I’m told), the ED voice will become weaker and our courage and motivation to recover will become stronger. Let me just say, those with eating disorders and those in recovery are so freaking strong! Over and over and over again, we pick ourselves back up after falling and try again.
So no, my motivation to recover isn’t always there, and that’s okay. What matters is that again and again and again, I keep trying.
Keep you’re head up gorgeous, you’re stronger than you know. You’ve got this!
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Check out some other posts…
Opening Up About My Eating Disorder
Eating Disorder Recovery And COVID-19