Yesterday was the Super Bowl. I’m not huge into football, but when the Super Bowl comes around each year, I get into the competitive spirit and cheer on whatever team I choose the morning of (usually the underdog).
Last night I cheered for the Chiefs (who won, ha!) and had a great evening cheering and laughing with my friends who had all gathered at my parent’s house to watch the game.
While my night was good, my day didn’t start out great. Why? Because I couldn’t stop thinking about food. As anyone with an eating disorder knows, food is constantly on your mind. Food, food, food. You’re lucky if you get another thought in edgewise! I was worried about the food I ate for breakfast, the snack I consumed in the afternoon, and of course, the Super Bowl spread that would soon appear on the kitchen counter. By late afternoon I was helping my mom in the kitchen, baking cookies and making black bean burgers. We set out chips and salsa, cheese and crackers, a vegetable platter, and other assorted snacks.
I’ll just eat the vegetables, I thought as my stomach growled.
Maybe I’ll just have one cookie, I compromised five minutes later. But no, if I do that I’ll end up eating way too much.
I felt disgusted. Why did I have to live like this? I just wanted to enjoy the game and hang out with my friends but all I could think about was food.
As I was feeling sorry for myself, I made a choice. I was going to enjoy the game no matter what. I was going to laugh with my friends and have a great time and eat the food that I wanted. And I ended up having a really great night.
Granted, it’s not always that easy. Sometimes no matter how hard I try, I can’t shake the guilt, fear, and incessant thoughts about food. Sometimes, I don’t even want to shake the fear. The fear helps me eat less and exercise more. But the fear also makes me miserable.
Last night, I ate a normal meal. I didn’t overeat or undereat. I held back the guilt and enjoyed watching the Chiefs win the game while cheering with my friends. It turned out to be a good night overall, despite the rough start to the day.
I know it’s not always easy, but there is hope for a brighter future and better days. Keep your head up beautiful, you’ve got this! I’m rooting for you.
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