Yesterday I had a massage. While massages are supposed to be relaxing experiences that rejuvenate the body, I found myself lying on the massage table stressing. I was stressing about all the things I needed to get done and wondering what I was going to eat for supper. I was stressing that I wouldn’t burn enough calories at the gym later. But more than anything, I was stressing about my body. I was so embarrassed the masseuse was seeing my mostly naked body.
My butt is so big, I thought. This woman must be thinking about how fat I am. It takes more effort to massage a fat person, I mused. Surely she wishes I was skinnier.
After the massage I felt a little bit better. My muscles had been very sore and stiff and the massage offered some relief. But as I drove back to my university I wondered if I would feel insecure for the rest of my life.
When I Liked Myself
I can only really remember one time I genuinely liked the way my body looked, and that was when I was grossly underweight. Even being underweight, I still wanted to lose more weight (that’s just the way eating disorders work), but I liked how skinny I was becoming. Ever since I started gaining the weight back, my one goal has been to lose it again. Will I ever be content and happy in the body that I have?
Today, I was looking in the mirror and thinking about how fat my arms looked. I’ll just skip supper, I decided. But then I became so hungry I knew that if I didn’t eat something, I would binge later. So, I ate supper. Then I thought about how I’m just getting fatter and fatter with each meal.
I Want to Believe
I truly want to believe this isn’t a hopeless battle. Healing and recovery must be possible, somehow. But honestly, how can I love my body when all I want is to be skinny again? The other day, I was thinking about what I would give up to be my lowest weight again. I decided I would happily give up all my savings, my boyfriend, a limb, my friends, and more if I needed to. I know that sounds insane and extremely selfish, but that is how much I want to be skinny again.
I’m trying to be thankful for the life and body I have. I’m trying to be thankful for my journey. But sometimes it’s so hard. If anyone has suggestions on overcoming insecurity and learning to love their bodies, leave me a comment!
I don’t write this to be discouraging. In the deepest recesses of my heart, I still believe there is hope. We can get through this together! Let’s keep our heads up. We are stronger because of our struggles.
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