May I just say, eating disorders suck. They are the freaking worst.
Honestly, I try to be a positive and happy person. I try to look on the bright side of things. But sometimes, it’s all I can do to keep my head up, smile, and get my work and schoolwork done without having a mental breakdown.
I am emotionally exhausted right now. So much is going on in my life: work is becoming increasingly busy/stressful, school is hard, my recovery plans are still up in the air, and I’m on a break with my boyfriend. I’m not trying to throw myself a pity party, but I’m just being honest. I am definitely the type of person who believes they can take on the world single handedly. Sometimes it’s hard to be real, admit that I’m tired, and accept that life really sucks sometimes. It’s okay to feel down.
In case anyone is wondering, let me just give you some insight into the life of someone with an eating disorder. Maybe you can relate.
Why Eating Disorders Are The Worst
I go to bed hungry all the time and my hunger keeps me up at night. I know, that’s a freaking THIRD WORLD PROBLEM! And here I am in the first world, with plenty of food at my disposal, and yet my eating disorder is trying to starve me. I was up almost the entire night last night because my stomach was aching and felt like an empty pit.
I’m always terrified that there won’t be enough food. Ironic? One day my eating disorder wants to starve me. The next, it’s stuffing thousands of calories down my throat in one sitting. Whenever I’m hanging out with friends or family and don’t have direct control over my food, I panic. Will there be enough food for me? What if I’m hungry and no one else is hungry?
Food is terrifying. Always. Every meal is stressful.
My stomach hurts all the time. It hurts when I eat, when I don’t eat, when I’m hungry, when I’m full. It hurts all. The. Time.
I am very isolated. I don’t share my problems with people very often (basically never—you guys are my outlet!) and sometimes the silence is overwhelming. I’m terrified that if people knew the truth they would look at me differently because I’m living a lie.
Guilt is destroying me. I feel guilty for not having more control over my life.
I am angry a lot. Sometimes I get so angry I can hardly control myself. I feel like screaming all the time.
In other news, my digestion is horrible, my relationships are falling apart, I lash out at people I care about, and I blame myself for it all. So yeah, having an eating disorder really, really sucks sometimes.
If you can relate to any of these, my heart is breaking for you. No one should have to go through the pain an eating disorder causes. I sincerely hope that this post reassures you that you are not alone and that it’s okay to be miserable sometimes. Keep your head up, beautiful, you’re not alone and I’m rooting for you.
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