Yesterday I had a massage. While massages are supposed to be relaxing experiences that rejuvenate the body, I found myself lying on the massage table stressing. I was stressing about all the things I needed to get done and wondering what I was going to eat for supper. I was stressing that I wouldn’t burn enough calories at the gym later. But more than anything, I was stressing about my body. I was so embarrassed the masseuse was seeing my mostly naked body.
My butt is so big, I thought. This woman must be thinking about how fat I am. It takes more effort to massage a fat person, I mused. Surely she wishes I was skinnier.
After the massage I felt a little bit better. My muscles had been very sore and stiff and the massage offered some relief. But as I drove back to my university I wondered if I would feel insecure for the rest of my life.
When I Liked Myself
I can only really remember one time I genuinely liked the way my body looked, and that was when I was grossly underweight. Even being underweight, I still wanted to lose more weight (that’s just the way eating disorders work), but I liked how skinny I was becoming. Ever since I started gaining the weight back, my one goal has been to lose it again. Will I ever be content and happy in the body that I have?
Today, I was looking in the mirror and thinking about how fat my arms looked. I’ll just skip supper, I decided. But then I became so hungry I knew that if I didn’t eat something, I would binge later. So, I ate supper. Then I thought about how I’m just getting fatter and fatter with each meal.
I Want to Believe
I truly want to believe this isn’t a hopeless battle. Healing and recovery must be possible, somehow. But honestly, how can I love my body when all I want is to be skinny again? The other day, I was thinking about what I would give up to be my lowest weight again. I decided I would happily give up all my savings, my boyfriend, a limb, my friends, and more if I needed to. I know that sounds insane and extremely selfish, but that is how much I want to be skinny again.
I’m trying to be thankful for the life and body I have. I’m trying to be thankful for my journey. But sometimes it’s so hard. If anyone has suggestions on overcoming insecurity and learning to love their bodies, leave me a comment!
I don’t write this to be discouraging. In the deepest recesses of my heart, I still believe there is hope. We can get through this together! Let’s keep our heads up. We are stronger because of our struggles.
Also…
Follow ED Heal on Facebook and check out some of my other posts:
Eating Disorders and Accepting Compliments
Here’s Why Eating Disorders Suck
